How BIG is your God?

The theme of the last few sermons at Church has been "Getting Out of the Box." The series started with the call to stop living without faith (Churchianity) and start living live with faith (Christianity). The call was to let God out of the box that we so often confine Him to.

For me, I really felt as though I was walking with Him, although even I would admit to not being able to feel Him walking beside me. And even I knew it was me who had moved, not God. But I didn't feel that I was living my life as a "phony" Christian, just going through the motions. I mean, I pray and read my Bible daily, I listen almost exclusively to Christian music, and I try to remember to do all things as unto Christ.

But God knew me. He has always known me. And just as there are critical points for learning in our physical and mental development, it turns out that there are critical points in our spiritual growth as well. Today's sermon is proof of that fact.

So, just how much faith is enough? Ironically, my prayer recently is that God would give me more faith. The irony in that is that I wasn't using the little, bitty ounce of faith I already lay claim to.

"I assure you, even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." --Matthew 17:20

So that brings me back to the point where I am. . .not without faith, but with very little faith. And why? Because I am afraid that God will disappoint me. I am afraid that if I let go and ask Him to move mountains, He won't do it, or at least not on my schedule. I am afraid of looking stupid, asking for miracles and then not seeing them done. I am afraid, because although I know that God is capable of doing all things, I don't believe He will do them for me.

I suppose the question to ask then, is why? If I know that He can do them, why am I afraid to ask for those miracles, to move the mountains? Because, I AM AFRAID. I am afraid that He will tell me no. I am afraid that if He says yes, it will not work within my constraints, my guidelines. And yet, I want more but don't dare ask for it? ! ? How silly!

So here I am to announce that I am done being afraid that God will say no, or not yet. I am done being afraid that I will look foolish for asking for the mountain to be moved. I am done with my unbelief.

AND SHE CRIED OUT, "MOUNTAIN, IN THE NAME AND POWER OF JESUS CHRIST, I COMMAND YOU TO MOVE!"

(CHECK BACK TO SEE WHERE IT GOES!)

This IS the Right Decision

If you know me, and probably, if you're reading this, you do. . .you know that I can have the tendency to make a decision without weighing all the consequences and then just doing the best I can to survive the many ramifications of the decision. Now, I do make rational, well-thought-out decisions also, but it seems like those aren't the ones that stick out in my mind. LOL

Well, I have battled the decision to go back to school full-time for several months. I went back and forth, trying to figure out how it would work, how I would support my children, how I could be all the things that life has its expectations set upon for me. And I went back and forth, forth and back, then back and forth again. So the decision to announce to my boss that I was, in fact, going to be leaving to go back to school just kind of set the decision in stone.

I don't know that I heard God's voice telling me, "You go ahead. I'll take care of the details." But what I do know is that on the way to work on Monday morning, God was speaking to me, even if I was not completely aware of it.

See that's the cool thing about faith. You go back and forth trying to work it out in your head, and then you end up in this place where you are confident that it can't work, that you're too afraid of the uncertainties and the changes ahead, and then. . .BAM! God puts it all in place.

Without going into much detail (I'm not really at a liberty to go into those at this time), God revealed to me Thursday evening that I had, in fact, made the blessed choice. He is going to take care of me as I seek my education and go to nursing school. He is going to make all the schedules work, even though I still can't see most of it. But He has been faithful to give me my heart's desires, on so many levels. I just simply had to take that small leap of faith.

God is so good, so big, and so loving. I know that at times I struggle with an inability to see this just the way it really is. But God is my Father. And, just as I would give my children everything they really desired (assuming money were no issue), than how much more does my Father in Heaven who possesses and created everything going to give to me as I desire?

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that He's going to drop the keys to a brand new Honda Pilot in my hands tomorrow, or the land for my dream home. . .because it is in His perfect timing that He fulfills our desires. But what I know is that He is going to give me my deepest desires. . .and after Thursday's revelation. . .I'm almost anxious to see what comes next. I still have some deep desires that He hasn't granted me, but I know that He is preparing me for those blessings just the way He prepared me for this one.

Nursing school isn't going to be easy, but at least now I know that this is exactly when and where God wants me to go after it.

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME; ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!

Getting out of the boat!

My three Angels, June 2005

So, I'm a single mom of three--one has special needs--and I've been trying/thinking about going to nursing school for well over two years now. In fact, when I started my current job two years ago, I was just three classes away from being able to apply to nursing school! And here it is, two years later, my kids and I all two years older, and I still have three classes (or so, depending which way I choose to go. . .AA or BSN) until I can apply.

But on Monday, I took the big step and got out of the boat. I told my boss that as of January 1st, I would no longer be a full-time employee as I was heading back to school to follow my heart and chase my dreams.

I wish I could start classes sooner, and it looks like I will have to go the AA route. I will need daycare assistance to go to school, and the local AA program is considered a technical/vocational program, so the state will pay for my childcare so long as I work at least 20 hours/week while taking classes. My good friend and angel, Heather, is going this route right now, and will graduate in about four months. Boy, am I ever envious of her! ! !

So I have a few pre-requisite classes to finish, and the hope is that I can apply and be accepted to start nursing school in the fall of 2006. That's really not that far off. That's what I keep telling myself. It will be here before I know it.

And then, before I know it, I will be taking my licensing exams and such. Then, after a year or two of nursing, it will be back to school to get the RN to BSN program finished so that I can head off to Frontier Nursing for my Nurse Midwife training. Oh, I can't wait to deliver babies! ! !

Well, today has been busy. And I'm still doing lots of research about what to expect in school and in nursing while I'm online. I'll share more later!


On another topic, Mike got his first spacers put in at the orthodontist today. These will enable them to put bands on the back teeth next week for the arch expander. All of this is time-critical as his lateral incisors are about to erupt and the bone grafting to the alveolar ridge must be accomplished before that happens so that we don't lose those two permanent teeth. The bone grafting will be done in a series of two surgeries as his cleft is too large for a "good" single graft repair. The first of these surgeries will in late October, and recovery will be slower than the others. The mouth will stop hurting, or so I'm told, within a few weeks, but the donor site (most often the hip) will continue to ache/hurt for about 6-10 weeks. I plan on taking at least a week off work, but the nurses tell me that I should expect him to miss at least two weeks of school. Aaargh! If only I had help. . .but Dad doesn't plan on being here, so I'll just muddle through the best I can.

I also am considering some orthodontics for my upper teeth. I have quite a bit of space in the upper front teeth, and crowding in the back. I know that I have a major overbite, but the jaw break/wiring procedure just won't do with me raising three little ones on my own. I have told them that at this point I am concerned about the upper teeth only and that oral surgery, if any, would have to be very minor. But the orthodontists we are seeing are phenomenal! Let's see what they can do!

Well, I better get back to the job of raising the kids. Tomorrow's my long day at work, and that means an earlier bedtime for all of us tonight. Life continues to move on, and I'm moving forward.