At the end of my rope. . .

So, okay, I suppose we all have days where it seems like all the lights turn green just before we get to them, everyone holds the door open and says, "You first," and other odd niceties. And then we all have days where it seems like everything in the universe is set into motion to defy and/or aggravate you. I've been having lots of the second kind of days. . .days when I'm at the end of my rope.

The next year is to be filled with many, many changes. My children will be in three different places each day. We are running here and there and everywhere going to therapy and doctors' appointments. I'm going back to school. Surgery (x2) for my oldest boy. When will it calm down?

I don't know. And simply put. . .I'm not in charge or control of many parts of life-- in fact, all of it. I just seem to be along for the ride. And at the moment, it feels somewhat like holding onto a length of rope tied behind a four-wheeler that's racing around wildly. I'm hanging on for dear life, but I'm just about at the point where I have no choice but to let go.

It's a scary place really. If I let go, will I land somewhere safe? Will I get run over by a herd of moose? Will I roll around dizzy from the ride and in shock?

Who knows? ! ?

That's the crux of the whole matter. GOD KNOWS!

I'm not really a control freak, but there are certain things in my life that I want a say in, or at least a modicum of control over. But it seems that the more that I want that control, the less I actually have it.

And that's okay. (I think, LOL!)

See what I'm learning is that I'm never really in control. I tell myself stories about how well I controlled this or that situation, but the reality is that my life, my input, is but a blip in the history of the world and mankind. Now I'm not saying that to say that I am not important or significant. I know that God created me with a purpose and a plan. But the reality is that in the big picture, I am just a speck. I contribute to the final image, but alone, I have no definition.

I am learning that each time I want to control something, especially something that even I can admit I don't really have control over, I am simply saying to God that I don't trust His perfect plan for my life. HOW FOOLISH!

So starting a couple of days ago, I started praying that God would help me really submit my life to Him. All of it. Not just the parts that I "think" it's okay to let go of, but all of it. The actions of others that hurt or annoy me. The moral values of others and the choices that go along with them and destroy the "world" I want to live in. I'm letting go of it.

I'm not exactly loving every minute of it. Honestly, if were up to me, I could spend hours and hours each day telling God exactly how He should make so-and-so act, how things should work in my life, and in other people's lives. But that is not submission, faith, or trust. That is me, in fear, trying to control the things that I cannot and ending up hurt, frustrated, annoyed, etc. even further.

There are many variables in the near future. All of them are things that I wish I could foretell or control, but have no ability to do either. And so, since I can't change anything but my desire to trust and follow God, my prayer has become just that. Father, Help me learn to let go of my rope. I know You will take care of me. You are always/still in control.

So here's to letting go of the rope.

SO I'M ABOUT TO LET GO, AND LIVE WHAT I BELIEVE
I CAN'T DO A THING NOW, BUT TRUST THAT YOU'LL CATCH ME
WHEN I LET GO. . . .