The Path Not Taken

I guess that life is a journey. At least, there are songs claiming this, bumper stickers, and numerous other cliches about life being a journey. And so, if life is a journey, I have perfected the choice of the path not taken.

I do not believe in living life with regrets. We make choices, whether good or bad, and often they are irrevocable. We can spend the rest of our moments wishing we had made a different choice, or we can simply move on to the next choice. I prefer the second.

Now that's not to say that I don't have choices in my past--the near or the not-so-near--that I don't "regret". That would be a lie. But I try not to waste too much time on wondering where that path may have taken me. Generally, I find that the road I've chosen has quirks, turns, breathtaking views, and that is enough.

But I seem to be the queen of what seems like dramatic, unusual choices. For instance, I started this blog shortly after deciding to give notice at work and to go back to school. Of course, there were the choruses of "We're so sad to see you leave," and also, "I'm so excited for you to follow your dream." But in the back of my head there were doubts.

First and foremost, I am a mother. And while I'm not a perfect one, I try to do my best. I try to always put my children's needs before my own (i.e., that's why I'm wearing the same sweater I've had for three years. . .my kids just keep growing and I've stopped long ago!). But sometimes that is a struggle. I want things for me. And sometimes, they just don't fit in with what is best for the kids.

So I have decided not to go to school. For numerous reasons that I could go into here, but I would get too tired to finish it, and you'd never finish reading it. But I am still Nurse Mommy. I still have a child with special needs and I still love caring for/nurturing people. And I am still a Mommy. I just work in arbitration at a wholesale auto auction. And that's okay. This time, this is the path not planned to be taken. But I know that it will hold wonderful things for me and my children, even though I'm not entirely sure where it leads.

"I already know what tomorrow holds, and I've taken care of all the what-ifs. Relax!"--God

For such a time as this!

There are defining moments in each of our lives--moments when all the hard work and undying effort give way to a feeling that it was all worth it. I had one of those moments this evening while spending "Mommy Night" with my youngest.

I am a Christian, and that defines me. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and I do my best to become more like Him each day. And I'm a single mom to three, which often leaves me feeling overwhelmed and just plain outnumbered more times than not. But I have done one of the few things that I am absolutely sure of as I raise my children. I take them to church and I try to model a life that shows me as being in love with God and His servant.

"Mommy Night" was my creation out of a feeling of frustration when my children seemed to be acting out. Psychologists tell parents regularly that a child who does not get enough positive attention will seek negative attention in its place. I hate to agree with them, but this time they are right. Each child gets one night each week to "break the rules" and stay up 1/2 hour later with Mommy. In the past, this has been a time for playing games or reading with each other.

Starting this week, our church has started a once-monthly family program called "Kidstuf". It centers around the family and teaching and living Christian values/virtues. So all four of us sat on the carpeted floor of the Children's Center for thirty minutes, criss-cross-applesauce (translated into Mommy's legs were asleep about halfway in! LOL). This month's virtue is HONOR.

My youngest is only four, and that's a relatively BIG idea for a little guy, but this program is awesome. It comes with an at-home guide to keep the dialogue open, and with a few words substituted, we sat this evening and talked about HONOR: showing others that they have value to you.

In the middle of our conversation, he said to me that all the good guys go to heaven and all the bad guys "go down dare (putting downward)". I guided him to the fact that the Bible, God's word, tells us that none of us are "good enough" without Jesus to earn our way into heaven. I assured him that with Jesus, God loves all of us and wants us ALL to go to heaven, we just have to ask Jesus into our hearts.

You'll never guess what he said next!

"Can I say that to Jesus in my head?"

"We can say that right now, out loud, if you want to."

"I do. I want to go to heaven and see God."

"Do you want me to pray with you and ask Jesus to live in your heart?"

"Yes, Mommy."

Sigh. Of all the moments in my life that have made me proud, that have made me happy, that have made me anything. . .It is a time such as this that reassures me that I am doing okay raising my children!

Now, mind you, this is my youngest. I've said prayers with my oldest as well, and I'm hoping tomorrow night's "Mommy Time" with the "middle man" will illuminate whether he has asked Jesus into his heart too. But it was definitely for such a time as this that I was created!

Praise the Lord!

To the one I cannot stop loving

I dedicate this to the only one who broke my heart, and to the one I can't forget.

Like a wheel stuck in the mud,
My desire to be free of you is bound.
I try to wiggle myself free,
But the chains tighten around my limbs.

I have cried out to let me go,
And once I believed I might be free.
Then the dreams began to haunt me again,
And I found I was still tied tightly to you.

I asked the Lord to take it away,
For I knew you could not complete me.
He made me whole again,
But my desire was not released.

I tried to run away from you,
But found I had run a circle around you.
I tried once to replace you,
But found that none could compare to you.

You took my life and tore it apart,
And I knew that I should stay away,
Yet my heart and my mind
Seem to be absolute strangers to each other.

I want to kiss you goodbye.
I want to leave you.
I want to forget you.
But I can’t.

I have spent three years praying that I could move on,
Only to find that where you are is where I long to be.
I long for the day when you held me and loved me,
Like a wanderer in the desert longs for water.

I continue to pray to be made whole,
So that I can survive in a world without you.
And I’ve learned that I can survive,
But my deepest desire is still you.