The Year in Review--2006

So, I started 2006 weighing in at 219 pounds. AAAGGH! How is it that didn't bother me more earlier than it did? In January, my middle child had fairly major surgery. We spent four days in the hospital and another two weeks vegging on the couch. None of this was really great for me, but it was just part of life.

In February, middle child went back to school and I cut red meat out of my diet after talking with many Adventist friends and research on my blood type. Immediately and over night, I lost 5 pounds and my moods stabilized. But I was still very overweight.

March drifted by. And April made its way in.

Mid-April, one day when I was home sick (a very rare thing for me to take a day off because I'm sick), I saw yet another commercial for Weight Watchers and LA Weight Loss. I had heard lots and lots about Weight Watchers, but knew NO ONE who had stuck with it. So, I decided to call LA Weight Loss and check it out. I officially started my program on April 17th. My weigh in was at 210.4 lbs.

May was okay. I was starting to really get with the program, and we started walking at the park on the weekends when the weather was nice. By Memorial Day weekend, I was down over 10 pounds and into the 100s. I was soooo excited to be back in the 100s.

By July 4th, I was down to 190. I couldn't believe it! I could buy clothes in the misses department for the first time in over six years. That was a tremendous milestone for me.

In August, I slowed down a bit, but finally hit 180 by late in the month. By the time school started for the kids in September, I had broken the 40 pounds lost mark.

In mid-September, my co-workers were astounded by my weight loss. The company agreed to match dollar for dollar our own "Biggest Loser" competition. To make it fair to everyone, we voted to do the competition based on body fat lost. I could do that! At my first measurement for the competition, I weighed in at 169 and with a body fat % of 37.0. (That's still high!)

As part of the competition, I committed to a rigorous workout program. I was in the gym 3-5 days a week, for no less than an hour per session. By November, I stepped up my workouts to 4-5 days a week, for no less than 90 minutes per session.

I made my initial weight loss goal of 155 in November, just before Thanksgiving, and quickly rebounded to 158. SIGH I didn't give up though. . .I just plugged away at the gym and kept eating right.

On December 19th, we had our final measurements for our "Biggest Loser" competition. My final weight was 154 and my ending body fat was 22.96. I lost 15 pounds and 14.04% body fat in just 12 weeks! Sadly, I didn't win the over $2000 grand prize. I came in second and received my entry fee back. But I WAS the biggest loser when you consider how far I'd come before there was money involved, and when you consider where I'm going. (In fairness, the competition was not handled well in the sense of how they used the measurements. It is my hope that next fall they will have another "Biggest Loser" competition and I can coordinate it in a way that is fair to everyone involved. My actual overall reduction in body fat was 40% and not 14.04. . .but that's a mathematical issue. . . )

So here I am today. I wear a size 10 jean. I can walk, bike, and swim. I am training to begin running, and ultimately, it is my goal to compete in a mini-triathlon and perhaps even a half-marathon (at least Bloomsday). My second goal is to quit smoking, which is an absolute must if I'm going to run long distances. My third goal is to continue working on my body fat percentage. My goal is to get down to 18% body fat, and in the process work on the problem areas of my body.

But here is what I promise myself for 2007: I will never wear a size larger than what I am today. And I will strive to become more and more healthy.

Here's to finding and keeping the best YOU in 2007!

Reaching the Goal

It's hard to believe that this time last year, I could barely walk up and down two flights of stairs without getting winded. I weighed in at 215 pounds last Christmas. But this was the year that I resolved to take better care of me.

Initially, that meant I was planning to splurge a little on me. I got a couple of manicures and pedicures. I bought "higher-end" clothing via thrift stores. I even bought accessories. But back in April, I decided that to really take better care of me, I needed to shed some weight.

Perhaps it was the 30th birthday looming before me. Maybe it was the invisibility of being an overweight woman in a mostly male workplace. Maybe it was just the insistence of my five year old that I could run, bike, swim just like he could, couldn't I?

No. I couldn't.

But, now I can! In the last eight months, I have dropped down to 154 pounds with a body fat percentage of 23%. I put in 10 hours/week at the gym. I bike, I row, I walk, I lift, and I'm starting to run. I have reached my weight loss goal!

So what's next?

*sigh*
My five year old is confident that I CAN and SHOULD be doing an Ironman competition. I, however, am much older and wiser than he (giggling). However, I have resolved to quit smoking this year and begin training for a mini-triathlon. Who knows! ? ! I might even try to RUN Bloomsday this spring (maybe not. . .I mean, I've never even walked it!). But my next goal is to welcome summer without the fear of a swimsuit, short sleeves, or shorts. And to run, bike, and swim to my heart's content. And on July 1st, 2007. . .I'm still going to weigh 154. On December 28, 2007. . .I'm still going to weigh 154.

Don't believe me! ? !

Stick around! (winks)

What does success taste like?

When I decided to invest in a weight loss program, I dropped some pretty substantial money (at least, for me). But I wanted to be serious about it. I needed the money as a driving factor. I needed the accountability of tracking my eating and exercise habits and telling someone why I did or didn't do what I knew I should. But I wrote that check still thinking that I would fail.

Not that I had failed that often. More often than not, I would tell myself I should do something, but never did anything about it. I rationalized that I didn't look like I weighed over 200 pounds. So it must not be too bad, right??? WRONG! But I still didn't believe that I could make it. I thought my body would fail me, that my mind would distract me, and that my heart would deceive me.

I wanted to taste success. I wanted to look in the mirror and like what I saw (not just rationalize that it couldn't be that bad. . .). I wanted to be able to run after a ball when playing with my kids. I wanted to be able to walk with my children (and grandchildren when I have them) without the use of a cane or walker. I wanted to be physically fit.

What I found was that I could make tiny successes. I went from drinking 12 cups of coffee a day to one cup. I went from drinking water only when there was absolutely nothing else available to craving it more than anything else. I went from choosing chocolate to choosing carrots, ricecakes, and bananas.

The journey was slow. My first official weigh in had me UP a pound! See, I told you this wouldn't work.

But, then in two weeks, I was down 4 pounds. After a month, I was down 13 pounds. Before I knew it, two months had passed and I was down a whole size. The clothes I had recently had to suck my gut in to get into were becoming loose and baggy. I had to wear belts.

By my 30th birthday, I was under 190, and quickly feeling better about myself. In late July, I went to a public pool and didn't wear a wrap over my swimsuit the WHOLE time. I hit a plateau in August, but by mid-September, I was safely in the low 170s.

Tomorrow I weigh in again. It has been 28 weeks, and to date, I have lost 55 pounds. My goal for tomorrow is to break into the 150s. I have less a pound to lose (since Tuesday--two days ago) to get there. I lost two pounds between Monday and Tuesday. I am now within five pounds of my goal weight! ! !

I have gone from a size 20 jean, to a size 12P. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!

And what I have found is this:

Success tastes like sweat after a good workout. It tastes like a fresh spinach salad. It feels like muscles burning from being worked. It looks like a woman in a slinky black dress, three inch heels and turning every head in the room.

Success requires commitment and will power. But most of it all, it requires CHANGE. What you did to get fat isn't going to help get you thin and healthy. It's a choice, and it won't be easy. But everyone can do it, when they make the commitment and effort.

YOU CAN DO IT TOO! Don't wait for anyone to encourage or tell you to do it. Make your own choice and just do it!

Wallowing in loathing

I am quite sure that we have all experienced a day where we wish we could go back to bed, and wake up with a redo of the day. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Along with battling to make good choices and lose weight, I am still a single parent. I work fulltime. I have no family in the immediate area (who am I kidding? I don't have biological family in the geographical area. . .closest blood relative is well over 1000 miles away!). And I am currently very stressed out.

My middle child came home from a weekend with dad not feeling well. Sore throat, followed by a nasty ear infection, followed by missing one day of work/school, picking him up early another day, leaving him with a friend ill, and missing yet another day of work/school (today). After seeing the urgent care doctor on Wednesday, and being reassured that we were doing the appropriate things to care for him, he woke up Thursday with a fever in excess of 102 and crying from extreme ear pain.

So in a moment of no judgment, I called a friend for advice. I was struggling with my priorities of missing yet another day of work and staying home with a sick kid. My gut said to stay home, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen to anything of reason that I should have. And that led to an action that is hanging over me that I wish I could go back and undo, but I can't.

My friend had the home number of my son's doctor. I didn't ask for it, but she gave it to me and suggested that I call him for advice. *sigh* My son has special medical needs, and we have been blessed with phenomenal doctors all along the road of his life. And I KNOW that there are certain protocols that you follow in getting care. I do REALLY KNOW this. *sigh*

But I ignored what I know (honestly, in that moment with the doctor's number in hand, I don't even know if I was in fact thinking, MISTAKE #1). I called the doctor at home. Early. I didn't realize a lot of things at this point. MISTAKE #2. I left a message, and got a very justly angry return phone call. *sigh*

I apologized, but the damage was done. He was very angry, and he has every right to be. I did what even I can't believe that I have done. His office called to "fit" us in later, but they were angry too. *sigh--justified anger* I needed a referral to get him seen, however, and I could not get through the red tape with the insurance company to get a referral and get him seen. I did, however, call back to the doctor's office, apologize, and let them know that I appreciated them trying to fit us in (especially in light of my HORRID behavior that morning), but that I could not get a referral and authorization that quickly.

So here is where I am. I am HATING myself for my actions. I have prayed and asked God to forgive me, and to give the doctor a heart that will "hear" my apology and forgive me. Part of me wants to send him a note at the office to apologize for my horribly unsound judgment and actions and to beg for his forgiveness. Part of me fears that will only compound the situation.

But right now, I just HATE what I did. And I can't shake it. I HATE that I became so stressed out and irrational that I would lose touch with what I know and do something so careless. I HATE that I may have ruined a relationship with a wonderful doctor. I HATE that I didn't have enough discernment to see that my very well-meaning friend was giving me less than great advice. I HATE that I can't look at myself in the mirror with any sort of pride about who I am today.

Pray for me. I need to be set free from my mistake. I know that is why Jesus hung and died on the cross, because I would make mistakes. But the deceiver seems to know that I have trouble forgiving myself for these kind of mistakes and is having a hayday with this one.

Pray that when I wake up tomorrow, the guilt and anger I feel towards myself will have ebbed away until I am at the healthy point of realizing my mistake, and learning from it.

Thanks. . .

How much is enough?

Since the moment I hit 20 pounds lost, I've wondered exactly what my goal weight should be. I'm now down nearly 50 pounds, and I struggle with the same issue still. At this point, I know that I have done well. I have saved my joints from excessive wear and tear. I have lowered the risks of developing type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and cancer because of my weight.

But when I look in the mirror, I see two different things. I see someone who has come a very long way. But I also see someone that I fear may never truly be happy with what she sees. And alot of that has to do with damage done from pregnancy and being overweight for too long. So how do I know when it's enough?

I am still 15 pounds away from my goal weight. And I am admittedly frustrated. I have not budged weight for over two weeks. I'm not gaining, I'm just not losing either. Part of me says that should be a sign. I have eaten the right foods and been active. Is this my body telling me that I am at the right place? I don't know.

So, how much is enough?

He likes me, he likes me not. . . too many petals on this flower!

Okay. . .so I admit it. I'm a dunce when it comes to male/female relationships. I got married to my high school sweetheart at the tender age of 18. We divorced ten years later, leaving me to raise three kids and to face the possibility of dating in a very foreign adult world.

Foreign? YES! Foreign. When you are 16 and you "like" a boy, you call your best friend and plot for hours and hours of some outrageous way to let him know that you like him. If possible, you want to seem needy so that he'll help you, just so that you can be around him. If you're outgoing, like I once was, you might even just go right up to him after math class, give him a hug and tell him you like him.

But at 30, with three children of my own, all of that seems, well. . . .childish.

And, boys seemed to be much easier to read than men are. Perhaps that was just because I was too naive to realize I didn't really have a clue back then, or perhaps the comfort of a marriage relationship dulled my "dating" radar. I don't really know.

What I do know is that I'm a dunce when it comes to letting a guy know that I'm interested, and in telling if he is interested. (I'd go on to include the story about the guy I let know I was interested in and later found out from him, and I quote: "I'm flattered, but I don't date woman!" I'll save that for my embarassment file and not post the whole thing here.)

Which leads me to the current issue. HIM. I have known him for several years, but when we first met, I was legally separated and hoping and praying for my marriage to be restored. We were friends. But it was just that. . .friends. You know, you joke with each other, talk, but never take it to a romantic level. And that was okay.

When my divorce was final, initially I was very intrigued, but the timing with other events in each of our lives really wasn't right for either of us to pursue a relationship. (Sometimes, I still wonder if my life is compatible with a dating relationship at all. . . . .) We remained friends, shared some "bonding" moments, but still it never progressed.

In the last two years, I have dated two different guys. He met one of them. He knew about both of them. But honestly, in my heart, I still think about HIM. In fact, I was thinking about him during my last relationship. I suppose that should have been a red flag that my relationship wasn't right long before I truly decided that.

So I want to know if he is interested. I want to let him know that I'm interested without seeming silly or embarassing myself. And instead, I sit here at a computer telling you all about an anonymous HIM who makes me think that I am a much better woman now than I have ever been. *sigh*

HIM, if you are reading this, I would love to get to know you better. Have coffee or go for a walk. I'd love to partner with you in prayer over this thing that is scratching on the door of my heart, but I don't know exactly what your need is. I'd just like to get to know YOU better.

Okay. . .that's as close as I can get to it. Pray for me, y'all!

I'm not going to worry about a title right now. . .this is more for my own cathartic rambling than anything else. I am losing weight. . .I have already lost a LOT of weight (see the last post for a count). People can't help but notice that I've lost the weight. And yet, I don't see it.

I mean, I do see it. . .but not the way that others seem to see me. Several of the older retired people at work call me "Skinny Miss". How funny is that! ? ! I still weigh in at 170, which is far from skinny. My goal never was about being skinny. It was about saving my joints and lowering risk factors for medical issues as I grow older. (BTW, for the record, I will never be old. I have already decided that. PERIOD. . .there is no room for further discussion on that.)

Co-workers regularly ask how I'm doing this? Can I help them? With a background in pre-nursing and lots of health science and nutrition classes under my belt, I respond sure. It's pretty simple.

To lose weight, energy in must be less than energy out. In other words, what you eat, must contain less calories than what your body requires to maintain at your given weight. I know all the calculations for basal metabolic rate, and I highly suggest to EVERYONE that they do a diary. One of the best tools I've found with my weight loss has been the food and activity diary.

This is not rocket science. In fact, I would venture to say that the large (pardon the pun) majority of people who are overweight are just flat in denial about how many calories are in what they are eating. Did you know that one piece of Wonder Bread is about 100 calories??? And on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, for example, you add another 150 calories for each (PB and the J), for a total caloric intake of nearly 500 calories??? WOW! That's alot of calories, and alot of sugar and fat!

But that wasn't the point of this entry. The point of this was that some people (okay, two people whose opinions oddly seem to matter to me) have not even commented ONCE on my loss. And I am left to wonder, when even the people at the grocery store, the gas station, and the bank who don't even know my name have noticed and complimented me. . .well, what gives with those two????

So I remind myself that I didn't do this for either of those people. I did this for me. But do me a favor, if you see either of them, smack them for me, okay????

Weigh In, Week 20

So in my last post, I shared with you all the triumph of losing weight. I even (cringe) shared a picture from one year ago, at the full glory of my obesity. Today, I'm going to KISS you (keep it simple, sweetheart!) with this week's news.

NEWSPOINT ONE: My three beautiful children are back in school, including my baby who started kindergarten!

NEWSPOINT TWO: My ex has refused to comment on my weight loss. Is he blind????

NEWSPOINT THREE: My cold has now taken on a life of its own and won't leave me alone.

NEWSPOINT FOUR: My relationship has taken a turn for the worst. . .being alone is my specialty.

NEWSPOINT FIVE: I weighed in last night for a twenty week total of 39.2 pounds lost, making me officially only 170 pounds! (I had lost five pounds and kept them off before this, for a grand total of 44.2 pounds lost since March!)

Mommy and youngest, First Day of Kindergarten 06-07 SY

Never Go Back

So, since April 17th, I've lost 32.2 lbs. I had lost five pounds before that when I quit eating meat. I made the choice to eliminate meat from my diet after reading about the effects of "hybrid" meats on our immune systems, and moods, and health, in general. So, okay, I admit. . .I've never been a huge "meat-eater". I'll eat a good steak occasionally, and I love chicken, but I couldn't see dropping those things from my life as being that drastic or difficult. So I did, way back in February.

Within two weeks, my moods had stabilized and I felt great. (I was still overweight, but had dropped five pounds almost overnight.)

My body was telling me that I did not need meat. I gave blood, and came back with a healthy, normal blood iron level. And with the help of a few "vegan" friends, I was mastering the art of mixing vegetarian proteins.

Then, I decided I'd had it with my weight. I told myself repeatedly that I carried my weight well. Other people even told me that. But the truth of the matter was, at 5' 2", my weight of 210 still put me at 38.4 (clinically obese--at 40, most doctors label you "morbidly obese").

Yesterday, I completed my 17th week of weight loss with the LA Weight Loss program. I weighed in at 177.6 lbs! That is a 32.2 lbs. loss in just 17 weeks and puts me at 59% of my total goal reached and achieved. And I am finding each day that it is easier to eat the right kind of foods. I go to restaurants and JUST KNOW what I should eat. And I make the choice to eat those things (not the things I want to eat).

This is not your mom's diet program. It's not your friends' crash diet. This is me making a permanent change for LIFE. I will NEVER GO BACK.

In fact, to that end, I've gotten rid of every piece of clothing that is too big for me as I outgrow/disgrow them. I don't care who gets them, They cannot stay here as a "back-up" plan. I will NOT fail. I will never diet again. I will never freak out because someone has suggested we go to a pool or waterpark or beach. I will never tell my kids that I can't play ball with them because I'm too tired. I will never eat another "supersize" meal ANYWHERE.

(by the way, isn't it ironic that fast food restaurants never offer to super size a salad????)

So here it is for all of you to see. I am making the change for good.

Here is a pic of me before the weight loss started. I'm off to walk with my kids. That's my next goal: 3-4 times a week, exercising for 30 minutes minimum.

Who I really want to be

Okay, I admit it. Nobody has been reading this. Not even me. But I suddenly got the urge to do this again.

As I read back, I see how much of life is the same, and yet there is much that is very different. First, I have experienced a ton of healing in the area of my divorce and my relationship with my ex-husband. That has included moving forward to a point of maturity where I spent a holiday with my kids and the "new wife" while my ex was out of the country. If, back in February, when I made my last post, you had even suggested that I think of doing that, I would have laughed and then cried. But time does have a way of healing broken hearts. A scar will always remain, and the evidence of that fact is apparent in my new relationship. YAY! I have a wonderful man that I am learning to know.

Secondly, I have moved on to a relationship that is unlike any other I've experienced. It's been very scary for me in many ways and at many stops along the way. But each and every day I thank God for saving an awesome man like "M" just for me, and for putting him along my path at just the right time.

This relationship has brought forth a revelation:
YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE A SECOND FIRST MARRIAGE.
Now, I admit that seems quite obvious to many, but I had somehow not recognized that a second long term relationship would be so much more difficult than the first one had been. Let me rephrase that: On some level, I knew that, but I didn't realize just how all encompassing that fact really was.

I have had to face fears of being so vulnerable that I could be hurt again. I have had to face insecurities that had nothing to do with my new relationship. I have had to face obstacles (and I am sure that will continue) as I move forward to build a healthy, awesome, wonderful, loving relationship with "M". I have had to say things that I have never had the courage to say because I have learned that communication is essential to good relationships. I have had to cry because I had to say goodbye. I have had to apologize when I was wrong. I have had to think long and hard and measure the pros and cons of a relationship.

There are still moments where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be alone. But then I realize that isn't what I want, and there will never be a relationship that doesn't require work.

So I've committed to learning to discover the beauty of a new love. How wonderful that is!

Also, since February, I've lost 35 pounds! I still have trouble believing that. But when I do, I pull out the jeans I could barely zip in March and that I no longer can keep up (even with a belt!).

So here's to a new me. One who is brave enough to risk hurt, brave enough to say no, strong enough to make tough choices and determined enough to stick with it. That's who I really want to be!

Becoming Who I Want To Be

I hold the book in my hands,
As I ponder back on what I have read;
The past chapters flash before me as I seek to find their truth.

The past cannot be changed. The words have already been printed.
I have read and re-read them over and over again,
Sometimes dwelling too long on this nuance or that,
And struggling to let go of a brief summary that missed so many points.

I write today's words much more carefully,
Partly out of fear of someday reflecting on them
In just the same way I am reflecting on those already written,
And partly because from those words, those sentences,
Those paragraphs and chapters I have learned so much.

And ahead of me are still many blank pages.
Pages waiting to be touched, to be written.
They long for a story of love, of compassion, of honor and loyalty,
Of friends who love each other as much as themselves,
And who can help each other see today the way it really is
Without bleeding too much into each other.

I want you beside me in these pages yet to come.
And I pray not to foolishly force misspellings and grammatical inconsistencies
Upon you as we move through each word, each chapter.

I want to write my own book. I want to edit the pages.
But, ultimately, I want you beside me to read them.
So now, I fall onto my knees and grasp my eraser in my hand
Until my knuckles turn white. And I pray that as I write each day,
Each will be more fluent, more succinct, more true,
So that maybe someday I can be beside you.

Untitled. . .for now

Tingling sensations
Commencing at the end of my toes
Proceeding to slide up my legs
And into my soul
Every time we share a word
Or two or fifty

Distracted frustration
Rises slowly in the back of my throat
Like cotton drying all the saliva
I can't let you in
I can't let you have any power
Because then I could lose control

Haunting dreams of what a touch
Could possibly be like
How it might make me fatefully weak
And I question if I should let you get that close
I want to risk that kind of joy, but fear the anguish
Of letting you have the ability to crush me

Pound me down
Disgrace me
Devalue me
Pummel my spirit
Abandon me

But you have done none of this
So how to forgive and let go
How to start over without the anxiousness
How to try again without negative expectation
How to open up wide to be shut down tight

On my knees in agony
Knowing that what I seek first
Cannot come from within
Or without
Only can come from being on my knees
Only can come from crying out to heaven
Only can come from being foolishly out of control

Patiently wait
Wait with stoicism
I long for the healing to free me to move on
And I wonder
Would he wait for me
Would he pray for me
Would he see me as a child
Would he truly want to know me

Only heaven knows

Alone, but not lonely

It has been some eight odd months since I've had a date. And, of course, I was the one who ended that relationship, so I suppose I can't complain about it much. He was an okay guy, but we didn't really fit well together on the really, really big points. We had lots in common, just not the stuff that makes for a long term relationship. So, with some fear of being alone again, I broke the relationship off to pursue a life that was balanced and healthier.

To be honest, there have been a few times when I have thought about calling him and meeting him for dinner. But wisdom (whatever misguided and mediocre amount I have been given) has always stopped me from doing it. Fortunately, we don't move in the same circles and there were few concrete remnants of the relationship. (No, girls, he never gave me any jewelry. . .and I threw away the card and stuffed animal from Valentine's day LOL!)

So, here it is. . .that time of year again. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I'm alone. And you know what? ! ? It's okay. Really, it is. I know that I may experience a moment of weakness as co-workers are getting roses and cards delivered, but I don't really need flowers or cards to make me feel good about myself.

And, I have been blessed with many wonderful friends, all across the country, and the world. Many of them are in similar positions as me, alone, but not lonely. This year, I am going to celebrate the love of my friends instead of dwelling on the lack of a romantic interest in my own life. And who knows, maybe this will be the best Valentine's day EVER!

True learning often isn't from a book

I wrote a paper several years ago for a college class about the diversification of classrooms from the traditional curriculum to an arts-integrated classroom. As I did the research, I was shocked to find that these classrooms, where art is implemented at every level, produced children who learned more, retained the information better, and decreased drop-out rates. While this kind of learning is not common place in our country's schools, perhaps it should be.

But that is not really the point of my blog today. Not directly, at least. I was just reflecting on the important lessons that I've learned in life. And I realized that the majority of the big lessons I've learned that have truly made me who I am did not happen in a formal classroom.

I took math throughout school, but the real lesson of money and arithmetic came when I had a checking account and limited funds. It came as I sat down and tried to figure out how to make the pittance I earn feed me and my children, provide shelter and clothing, a vehicle to drive, and insurance, etc. Now that was a math lesson! I do appreciate that without the years of math in formal classroom teaching I would never have been able to do this, but the actual task of "having" to do it to survive taught me the real lesson. Plan ahead. Don't borrow what you cannot repay. And never lend money you can't afford to lose. Those were the big lessons, and I don't remember a single teacher ever telling me these things.

On a less concrete level, I have learned about grace and forgiveness. I would venture to say that since I was raised in the church and attended Sunday School regularly for as long as I can remember, at some point, some well-meaning Sunday School teacher attempted to teach me the Golden Rule. I believe that many times, different pastors have spoken on forgiveness and grace. But it has been the times where I was pushed beyond my limits to give or receive these two things that really "taught" me about them.

My son had major surgery last week. He was born with bilateral cleft lip and palate. He has been a joy to me for as long as I can remember. And he has taught me so much about life.

He has taught me that life is not easy, but embrace it because it is yours. Go forward boldly, even when you know the road is tough--even when you can't understand just how tough it is. He has taught me that bravery is not learned. You just do it. You take another step, even when it sends deep stinging pain through your limbs. Even when you believe that you cannot ever do it again. You cry a little at times, but ultimately, you look at the options and choose what is best, even when it hurts.

Ultimately, I realize that school is very unimportant in who I am and who I will become. The things that shape me are the things that cannot be written or expressed in a textbook, or in an experiment, or in a recipe, or in a sheet of music. Life is our ultimate learning experience. And God is my guidance counselor. And my children still prove to be my best teachers.



To seek the answers without knowing where you may find them is the true research project of life.

Letting go

Sometimes when facing adversity, we are able to stop and look back at our lives and evaluate what has happened. We can stop and look at our mistakes, learn from them, analyze them and ourselved. We can stop to look and count our blessings, even those that initially we cursed. Sometimes the biggest blessings we receive are the ones that challenge us to look beyond the current moment and force us to grow. Painful? Yes, they often are. But those blessings disguised as pain, frustration, loss, or grief are the ones that cause us to become better people.

A song that has really ministered to me recently is by Plumb. It is called, "Better." It is written from the heart of one who is hurt, angry, or just facing something unpleasant. The writer cautions being pushed away because of fear. I can totally relate. But she ends with the message, that which breaks us makes us better. Isn't that so true?

I am currently in a moment where I know that the future is very much out of my control. I know that the coming days may bring joy, or pain, life, or death. And I know that no matter how much I wish I could see the future and predict what path I will be forced to take, I just CAN'T. And I personally hate the feeling of having absolutely NO control over what will happen. I often struggle with a feeling of lack of control. I'm not an admitted control freak, but like many other humans, I struggle when it feels like I have no control whatsoever over the circumstances that make up my life.

In this moment, I have but one choice. . .to wait patiently on the Lord. And to guard my heart and my mind lest I be drug down by the deceiver into believing that I should have all the control. And as I make that choice and fall into submission, I stop and remember all the provisions God has made for me in the past.

I remember how, as my marriage fell apart, God provided a home and mortgage for me and my children. I remember how, as I was struggling to find a good job and provide for my children, God placed people around me to fill in the gap. He placed angels beside me when I was weak and afraid and called them "friends".

I remember how, as I found myself broke, God provided help in the form of couseling to change my habits and eliminate debt. I remember how, as I dreaded Christmas, God blessed me with the kinds of presents that you don't ask for but are blessed to recieve. I remember how, as I struggled to find balance between work and raising kids, God surrounded me with people to fill in when I couldn't be there and others to reassure me of the job I was doing with my children.

I remember how, as I looked at my son's lifeless body, God placed His arms around me and whispered, "It is okay. I am here, and everything is going to be okay." I remember those things. And many, many more that I can't put into words here.

And I remember God's promises to me, "For I know the plans I have for you. . . plans for your welfare and not evil, to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) And also, "For lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." (Matthew)

I don't know what tomorrow holds. And for now, I am glad that God has crashed my plans and taken control. This is what I know, His smallest thought for me is better than my grandest scheme of Him.

In this, I take solace and let go.

Searching for something witty or intellectual to say

I have been neglecting my blog. I admit it. But I am a mother, so sometimes (ok, most of the time) other things come first.

This week it was doctor appointments and speech therapy appointments. . .next week it will be surgery. Things that are more important just keep coming up and draining me of my creative juice and energy.

So for lack of something witty or funny or intellectual or thought-provoking, I will simply say, "I am here. I am glad that I have been blessed, and it is my prayer that I be used to bless others."

Have a great week, and I'll blog at you later!