Untitled. . .for now

Tingling sensations
Commencing at the end of my toes
Proceeding to slide up my legs
And into my soul
Every time we share a word
Or two or fifty

Distracted frustration
Rises slowly in the back of my throat
Like cotton drying all the saliva
I can't let you in
I can't let you have any power
Because then I could lose control

Haunting dreams of what a touch
Could possibly be like
How it might make me fatefully weak
And I question if I should let you get that close
I want to risk that kind of joy, but fear the anguish
Of letting you have the ability to crush me

Pound me down
Disgrace me
Devalue me
Pummel my spirit
Abandon me

But you have done none of this
So how to forgive and let go
How to start over without the anxiousness
How to try again without negative expectation
How to open up wide to be shut down tight

On my knees in agony
Knowing that what I seek first
Cannot come from within
Or without
Only can come from being on my knees
Only can come from crying out to heaven
Only can come from being foolishly out of control

Patiently wait
Wait with stoicism
I long for the healing to free me to move on
And I wonder
Would he wait for me
Would he pray for me
Would he see me as a child
Would he truly want to know me

Only heaven knows