Never Go Back

So, since April 17th, I've lost 32.2 lbs. I had lost five pounds before that when I quit eating meat. I made the choice to eliminate meat from my diet after reading about the effects of "hybrid" meats on our immune systems, and moods, and health, in general. So, okay, I admit. . .I've never been a huge "meat-eater". I'll eat a good steak occasionally, and I love chicken, but I couldn't see dropping those things from my life as being that drastic or difficult. So I did, way back in February.

Within two weeks, my moods had stabilized and I felt great. (I was still overweight, but had dropped five pounds almost overnight.)

My body was telling me that I did not need meat. I gave blood, and came back with a healthy, normal blood iron level. And with the help of a few "vegan" friends, I was mastering the art of mixing vegetarian proteins.

Then, I decided I'd had it with my weight. I told myself repeatedly that I carried my weight well. Other people even told me that. But the truth of the matter was, at 5' 2", my weight of 210 still put me at 38.4 (clinically obese--at 40, most doctors label you "morbidly obese").

Yesterday, I completed my 17th week of weight loss with the LA Weight Loss program. I weighed in at 177.6 lbs! That is a 32.2 lbs. loss in just 17 weeks and puts me at 59% of my total goal reached and achieved. And I am finding each day that it is easier to eat the right kind of foods. I go to restaurants and JUST KNOW what I should eat. And I make the choice to eat those things (not the things I want to eat).

This is not your mom's diet program. It's not your friends' crash diet. This is me making a permanent change for LIFE. I will NEVER GO BACK.

In fact, to that end, I've gotten rid of every piece of clothing that is too big for me as I outgrow/disgrow them. I don't care who gets them, They cannot stay here as a "back-up" plan. I will NOT fail. I will never diet again. I will never freak out because someone has suggested we go to a pool or waterpark or beach. I will never tell my kids that I can't play ball with them because I'm too tired. I will never eat another "supersize" meal ANYWHERE.

(by the way, isn't it ironic that fast food restaurants never offer to super size a salad????)

So here it is for all of you to see. I am making the change for good.

Here is a pic of me before the weight loss started. I'm off to walk with my kids. That's my next goal: 3-4 times a week, exercising for 30 minutes minimum.

Who I really want to be

Okay, I admit it. Nobody has been reading this. Not even me. But I suddenly got the urge to do this again.

As I read back, I see how much of life is the same, and yet there is much that is very different. First, I have experienced a ton of healing in the area of my divorce and my relationship with my ex-husband. That has included moving forward to a point of maturity where I spent a holiday with my kids and the "new wife" while my ex was out of the country. If, back in February, when I made my last post, you had even suggested that I think of doing that, I would have laughed and then cried. But time does have a way of healing broken hearts. A scar will always remain, and the evidence of that fact is apparent in my new relationship. YAY! I have a wonderful man that I am learning to know.

Secondly, I have moved on to a relationship that is unlike any other I've experienced. It's been very scary for me in many ways and at many stops along the way. But each and every day I thank God for saving an awesome man like "M" just for me, and for putting him along my path at just the right time.

This relationship has brought forth a revelation:
YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE A SECOND FIRST MARRIAGE.
Now, I admit that seems quite obvious to many, but I had somehow not recognized that a second long term relationship would be so much more difficult than the first one had been. Let me rephrase that: On some level, I knew that, but I didn't realize just how all encompassing that fact really was.

I have had to face fears of being so vulnerable that I could be hurt again. I have had to face insecurities that had nothing to do with my new relationship. I have had to face obstacles (and I am sure that will continue) as I move forward to build a healthy, awesome, wonderful, loving relationship with "M". I have had to say things that I have never had the courage to say because I have learned that communication is essential to good relationships. I have had to cry because I had to say goodbye. I have had to apologize when I was wrong. I have had to think long and hard and measure the pros and cons of a relationship.

There are still moments where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be alone. But then I realize that isn't what I want, and there will never be a relationship that doesn't require work.

So I've committed to learning to discover the beauty of a new love. How wonderful that is!

Also, since February, I've lost 35 pounds! I still have trouble believing that. But when I do, I pull out the jeans I could barely zip in March and that I no longer can keep up (even with a belt!).

So here's to a new me. One who is brave enough to risk hurt, brave enough to say no, strong enough to make tough choices and determined enough to stick with it. That's who I really want to be!