Who I really want to be

Okay, I admit it. Nobody has been reading this. Not even me. But I suddenly got the urge to do this again.

As I read back, I see how much of life is the same, and yet there is much that is very different. First, I have experienced a ton of healing in the area of my divorce and my relationship with my ex-husband. That has included moving forward to a point of maturity where I spent a holiday with my kids and the "new wife" while my ex was out of the country. If, back in February, when I made my last post, you had even suggested that I think of doing that, I would have laughed and then cried. But time does have a way of healing broken hearts. A scar will always remain, and the evidence of that fact is apparent in my new relationship. YAY! I have a wonderful man that I am learning to know.

Secondly, I have moved on to a relationship that is unlike any other I've experienced. It's been very scary for me in many ways and at many stops along the way. But each and every day I thank God for saving an awesome man like "M" just for me, and for putting him along my path at just the right time.

This relationship has brought forth a revelation:
YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE A SECOND FIRST MARRIAGE.
Now, I admit that seems quite obvious to many, but I had somehow not recognized that a second long term relationship would be so much more difficult than the first one had been. Let me rephrase that: On some level, I knew that, but I didn't realize just how all encompassing that fact really was.

I have had to face fears of being so vulnerable that I could be hurt again. I have had to face insecurities that had nothing to do with my new relationship. I have had to face obstacles (and I am sure that will continue) as I move forward to build a healthy, awesome, wonderful, loving relationship with "M". I have had to say things that I have never had the courage to say because I have learned that communication is essential to good relationships. I have had to cry because I had to say goodbye. I have had to apologize when I was wrong. I have had to think long and hard and measure the pros and cons of a relationship.

There are still moments where I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be alone. But then I realize that isn't what I want, and there will never be a relationship that doesn't require work.

So I've committed to learning to discover the beauty of a new love. How wonderful that is!

Also, since February, I've lost 35 pounds! I still have trouble believing that. But when I do, I pull out the jeans I could barely zip in March and that I no longer can keep up (even with a belt!).

So here's to a new me. One who is brave enough to risk hurt, brave enough to say no, strong enough to make tough choices and determined enough to stick with it. That's who I really want to be!