Wallowing in loathing

I am quite sure that we have all experienced a day where we wish we could go back to bed, and wake up with a redo of the day. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Along with battling to make good choices and lose weight, I am still a single parent. I work fulltime. I have no family in the immediate area (who am I kidding? I don't have biological family in the geographical area. . .closest blood relative is well over 1000 miles away!). And I am currently very stressed out.

My middle child came home from a weekend with dad not feeling well. Sore throat, followed by a nasty ear infection, followed by missing one day of work/school, picking him up early another day, leaving him with a friend ill, and missing yet another day of work/school (today). After seeing the urgent care doctor on Wednesday, and being reassured that we were doing the appropriate things to care for him, he woke up Thursday with a fever in excess of 102 and crying from extreme ear pain.

So in a moment of no judgment, I called a friend for advice. I was struggling with my priorities of missing yet another day of work and staying home with a sick kid. My gut said to stay home, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen to anything of reason that I should have. And that led to an action that is hanging over me that I wish I could go back and undo, but I can't.

My friend had the home number of my son's doctor. I didn't ask for it, but she gave it to me and suggested that I call him for advice. *sigh* My son has special medical needs, and we have been blessed with phenomenal doctors all along the road of his life. And I KNOW that there are certain protocols that you follow in getting care. I do REALLY KNOW this. *sigh*

But I ignored what I know (honestly, in that moment with the doctor's number in hand, I don't even know if I was in fact thinking, MISTAKE #1). I called the doctor at home. Early. I didn't realize a lot of things at this point. MISTAKE #2. I left a message, and got a very justly angry return phone call. *sigh*

I apologized, but the damage was done. He was very angry, and he has every right to be. I did what even I can't believe that I have done. His office called to "fit" us in later, but they were angry too. *sigh--justified anger* I needed a referral to get him seen, however, and I could not get through the red tape with the insurance company to get a referral and get him seen. I did, however, call back to the doctor's office, apologize, and let them know that I appreciated them trying to fit us in (especially in light of my HORRID behavior that morning), but that I could not get a referral and authorization that quickly.

So here is where I am. I am HATING myself for my actions. I have prayed and asked God to forgive me, and to give the doctor a heart that will "hear" my apology and forgive me. Part of me wants to send him a note at the office to apologize for my horribly unsound judgment and actions and to beg for his forgiveness. Part of me fears that will only compound the situation.

But right now, I just HATE what I did. And I can't shake it. I HATE that I became so stressed out and irrational that I would lose touch with what I know and do something so careless. I HATE that I may have ruined a relationship with a wonderful doctor. I HATE that I didn't have enough discernment to see that my very well-meaning friend was giving me less than great advice. I HATE that I can't look at myself in the mirror with any sort of pride about who I am today.

Pray for me. I need to be set free from my mistake. I know that is why Jesus hung and died on the cross, because I would make mistakes. But the deceiver seems to know that I have trouble forgiving myself for these kind of mistakes and is having a hayday with this one.

Pray that when I wake up tomorrow, the guilt and anger I feel towards myself will have ebbed away until I am at the healthy point of realizing my mistake, and learning from it.

Thanks. . .

How much is enough?

Since the moment I hit 20 pounds lost, I've wondered exactly what my goal weight should be. I'm now down nearly 50 pounds, and I struggle with the same issue still. At this point, I know that I have done well. I have saved my joints from excessive wear and tear. I have lowered the risks of developing type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and cancer because of my weight.

But when I look in the mirror, I see two different things. I see someone who has come a very long way. But I also see someone that I fear may never truly be happy with what she sees. And alot of that has to do with damage done from pregnancy and being overweight for too long. So how do I know when it's enough?

I am still 15 pounds away from my goal weight. And I am admittedly frustrated. I have not budged weight for over two weeks. I'm not gaining, I'm just not losing either. Part of me says that should be a sign. I have eaten the right foods and been active. Is this my body telling me that I am at the right place? I don't know.

So, how much is enough?

He likes me, he likes me not. . . too many petals on this flower!

Okay. . .so I admit it. I'm a dunce when it comes to male/female relationships. I got married to my high school sweetheart at the tender age of 18. We divorced ten years later, leaving me to raise three kids and to face the possibility of dating in a very foreign adult world.

Foreign? YES! Foreign. When you are 16 and you "like" a boy, you call your best friend and plot for hours and hours of some outrageous way to let him know that you like him. If possible, you want to seem needy so that he'll help you, just so that you can be around him. If you're outgoing, like I once was, you might even just go right up to him after math class, give him a hug and tell him you like him.

But at 30, with three children of my own, all of that seems, well. . . .childish.

And, boys seemed to be much easier to read than men are. Perhaps that was just because I was too naive to realize I didn't really have a clue back then, or perhaps the comfort of a marriage relationship dulled my "dating" radar. I don't really know.

What I do know is that I'm a dunce when it comes to letting a guy know that I'm interested, and in telling if he is interested. (I'd go on to include the story about the guy I let know I was interested in and later found out from him, and I quote: "I'm flattered, but I don't date woman!" I'll save that for my embarassment file and not post the whole thing here.)

Which leads me to the current issue. HIM. I have known him for several years, but when we first met, I was legally separated and hoping and praying for my marriage to be restored. We were friends. But it was just that. . .friends. You know, you joke with each other, talk, but never take it to a romantic level. And that was okay.

When my divorce was final, initially I was very intrigued, but the timing with other events in each of our lives really wasn't right for either of us to pursue a relationship. (Sometimes, I still wonder if my life is compatible with a dating relationship at all. . . . .) We remained friends, shared some "bonding" moments, but still it never progressed.

In the last two years, I have dated two different guys. He met one of them. He knew about both of them. But honestly, in my heart, I still think about HIM. In fact, I was thinking about him during my last relationship. I suppose that should have been a red flag that my relationship wasn't right long before I truly decided that.

So I want to know if he is interested. I want to let him know that I'm interested without seeming silly or embarassing myself. And instead, I sit here at a computer telling you all about an anonymous HIM who makes me think that I am a much better woman now than I have ever been. *sigh*

HIM, if you are reading this, I would love to get to know you better. Have coffee or go for a walk. I'd love to partner with you in prayer over this thing that is scratching on the door of my heart, but I don't know exactly what your need is. I'd just like to get to know YOU better.

Okay. . .that's as close as I can get to it. Pray for me, y'all!