Wallowing in loathing

I am quite sure that we have all experienced a day where we wish we could go back to bed, and wake up with a redo of the day. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Along with battling to make good choices and lose weight, I am still a single parent. I work fulltime. I have no family in the immediate area (who am I kidding? I don't have biological family in the geographical area. . .closest blood relative is well over 1000 miles away!). And I am currently very stressed out.

My middle child came home from a weekend with dad not feeling well. Sore throat, followed by a nasty ear infection, followed by missing one day of work/school, picking him up early another day, leaving him with a friend ill, and missing yet another day of work/school (today). After seeing the urgent care doctor on Wednesday, and being reassured that we were doing the appropriate things to care for him, he woke up Thursday with a fever in excess of 102 and crying from extreme ear pain.

So in a moment of no judgment, I called a friend for advice. I was struggling with my priorities of missing yet another day of work and staying home with a sick kid. My gut said to stay home, but I didn't listen. I didn't listen to anything of reason that I should have. And that led to an action that is hanging over me that I wish I could go back and undo, but I can't.

My friend had the home number of my son's doctor. I didn't ask for it, but she gave it to me and suggested that I call him for advice. *sigh* My son has special medical needs, and we have been blessed with phenomenal doctors all along the road of his life. And I KNOW that there are certain protocols that you follow in getting care. I do REALLY KNOW this. *sigh*

But I ignored what I know (honestly, in that moment with the doctor's number in hand, I don't even know if I was in fact thinking, MISTAKE #1). I called the doctor at home. Early. I didn't realize a lot of things at this point. MISTAKE #2. I left a message, and got a very justly angry return phone call. *sigh*

I apologized, but the damage was done. He was very angry, and he has every right to be. I did what even I can't believe that I have done. His office called to "fit" us in later, but they were angry too. *sigh--justified anger* I needed a referral to get him seen, however, and I could not get through the red tape with the insurance company to get a referral and get him seen. I did, however, call back to the doctor's office, apologize, and let them know that I appreciated them trying to fit us in (especially in light of my HORRID behavior that morning), but that I could not get a referral and authorization that quickly.

So here is where I am. I am HATING myself for my actions. I have prayed and asked God to forgive me, and to give the doctor a heart that will "hear" my apology and forgive me. Part of me wants to send him a note at the office to apologize for my horribly unsound judgment and actions and to beg for his forgiveness. Part of me fears that will only compound the situation.

But right now, I just HATE what I did. And I can't shake it. I HATE that I became so stressed out and irrational that I would lose touch with what I know and do something so careless. I HATE that I may have ruined a relationship with a wonderful doctor. I HATE that I didn't have enough discernment to see that my very well-meaning friend was giving me less than great advice. I HATE that I can't look at myself in the mirror with any sort of pride about who I am today.

Pray for me. I need to be set free from my mistake. I know that is why Jesus hung and died on the cross, because I would make mistakes. But the deceiver seems to know that I have trouble forgiving myself for these kind of mistakes and is having a hayday with this one.

Pray that when I wake up tomorrow, the guilt and anger I feel towards myself will have ebbed away until I am at the healthy point of realizing my mistake, and learning from it.

Thanks. . .